woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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