i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
