Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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