I'm eating all of the evidence.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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