wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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