he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
