Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Fuck appropriateness.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
