fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
