I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
