ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
