Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
