She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
