me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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