I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
