Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
