I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
