If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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