If i could tip my vagina, i would.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
