Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
