Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
