I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
