i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
