i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
