I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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