pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
