Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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