im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
