mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Randomize
