I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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