Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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