I'm going to jail i love you
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
