well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
