i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So much rum. So many feels.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I had to cum in my sink.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
