if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
