The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
