The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
