If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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