also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
