No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
