I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
