i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
