I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm having to shit out rocks
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
