So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
