Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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