and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
