does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
