I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
