literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
