We won't sleep together?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
