I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
