my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
im six kinds of drunk right now
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
